Dance Commander!

For those who haven’t yet picked up on the obvious, I’m having trouble finding the time and inclination to blog this summer. I know it’s dumb and I’d get all analytical about it, but I find blogging about blogging to be incredibly tedious so let’s don’t, kthxbai.

Hi! I miss you (yes, YOU)! I get online and attempt to catch up with y’all a few times a week but I rarely make it through a whole entry before someone interrupts me with an open beer. Here’s some of what I’ve been up to:

1. Last month we went to a horse farm in Kentucky to help two of my favorite peeps in the whole world, Little Debbie and Johnny Cakes, get married. It was a beautiful, sentimental, alcohol-saturated weekend and I had a blast hanging out with my girl gang and all the man-friends. I miss those fuckers.

2. I’ve been playing video games like it’s my job. For real y’all, I’m addicted not only to the Wii (we finally got Mariokart), but also to Grand Theft Auto (I forget which version, it’s an old PS2 game I borrowed from Jim). Last night I beat some people to death with a giant purple double-dong dildo I stole from the evidence room of a police station, and I LIKED it. Yuck!

3. Oh yeah, I almost forgot - ROCK BAND. Hello, lover! Rock Band is made of awesome, but I say NO MORE. I’ve spent more money on video games this summer than I want to admit.

4. I haven’t watched television (except for baseball) in I don’t know how long. My DVR is 100% full and I don’t care. WTF?

5. We’ve been to the beach a few times (Destin, Cape San Blas, St. George Island). There are pictures here, and Jenn posted a video of me being really obnoxious here. It’s pretty awesome, but the part you miss is where I say to Pete’s brother Tom, “I know we don’t know each other very well, but can I put my cooter on the back of your neck for a minute?”

6. Dance parties. Lots of dance parties.

7. Grilling meats and baking sweets, but not photographing any of it.

8. Bowling. We go bowling on Monday nights. Wii bowling is a lot more satisfying (my high score is a 244) but real bowling is pretty rad too.

9. Counting down the days until Eagle Cove. Only 56 left.

10. Admiring the fortitude of our mailbox. It got hit again a few days ago and it’s a little wobbly, but it’s still standing and collecting mail. I don’t know what happened with the car but I found a large piece of what looks like a plastic bumper on the scene. Ha!

I stole this LOQWIWAAWIIYTAA from Eden:

Me, A to Z

Accent: You could listen to the chickenfighting video (above, featured in activity 5), but I swear I don’t have one. I do say y’all kind of a lot, and yeah, I get little extra Southern when I drink, but for the most part, I sound normal.

Breakfast or no breakfast: I usually have something, but I definitely make more of an effort on the weekends. Mmmm. Bacon.

Chore I don’t care for: All chores suck, if you ask me. Fuck chores. To death.

Dog or Cat: Dog AND cat.

Essential Electronics: Computer, phone, Wii, iPod. Duh.

Favorite Cologne: I don’t have one.

Gold or Silver: Silver.

Handbag I carry most often: I’m carrying a dark brown suede wristlet these days. For work I carry my big seatbelt tote.

Insomnia: No.

Job Title: Dance Commander! Oh, if only I could get paid for THAT.

Kids: No.

Living Arrangements: Me and my man-friend and our animals.

Most Admirable Trait: Truthiness? That goes both ways though, I hear.

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: Sneaking out at night to see my boyfriend, boozing it up, that kind of thing.

Overnight hospital stays: None that I know of.

Phobias: Zits, chipped nail polish. God, that sounds shallow.

Quote: There are many, but I can never think of one when pressed and I’m in a hurry right now so you get nothing.

Reason to smile: My life is (mostly) fun.

Siblings: Yes, one of each gender, both younger.

Time I wake up: 7 or 7:30 a.m. on weekdays, 9 or so on weekends.

Unusual Talent or Skill: I grew two freckles on the bottom of my left foot in Spring 2008.

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Beets?

Worst Habit: Procrastination.

X-rays: I’ve broken one arm and three fingers in my lifetime. All required x-rays.

Yummy Stuff: Bacon, chocolate, cheese.

Zoo Animal I Like Most: Giant kitty cats.

I don’t know when it’ll be, but fuckin’ seeyas!

Cosmic Dance Party

You can read all about my weekend here and here. I’m too lazy to type it all out and my peeps did a fine job recapping our adventures.

I do have a few things to add:

1. Jim gave me a lesson in World of Warcraft Sunday and then we watched the WOW South Park episode. I enjoyed both, but the best part was when one of his WOW buddies IMed to ask where he’s been all week because I’ve been completely monopolizing his every waking moment.

2. I unloaded my bastard couch (on Craigslist, two days after I listed it, to an adorable couple named Dustin and Justin) and now my bum shoulder is healed. I’m glad to be rid of that fucking thing. I can’t believe it took me six months to figure out that’s what was jacking me up.

3. This is what I look like dancing at the bowling alley:

[I started posting this last night before we went over to Jenn and Pete's for turkey burgers but I couldn't figure out how to embed it from flickr and google video was (and still is) being a fucker so WHATEVER. The movie is here, and now that I look at it again, it's probably not even worth clicking on. It's only about four seconds long and it looks really dark, even though it was fine when Jes emailed it to me.]

4. Today’s my birthday. I’m 31 now.

5. I took the day off work to celebrate. I’m still in bed right now. In a minute I’m going to get up and go play some Wii.

6. We’re having a BBQ tonight. With cake.

7. Tomorrow’s our anniversary (4 years married, 13 together).

8. We’re going to Ohio this weekend.

9. It might be a while before I post again, but it doesn’t mean I love y’all any less.

My asshole neighbor shouting at her asshole dog

We went to the beach on Saturday and I came home with the worst sunburn I’ve ever had in my life. I had sunglasses on and, well, you must know what that looks like. I wish I knew how this happened, but I don’t. I put (waterproof) sunscreen on (more than once) (just like I always do) but it washed off, or didn’t take, or something. Maybe it was expired? I feel like Leatherface. My face, neck, chest and ears are already peeling. Ick.

Despite that bullshiz, and also despite the fact that we got a warning from law enforcement for bringing alcohol into a state park (which, yes, is dumb, very dumb even, but in my defense I’ve been doing it for seven years without incident - it’s not like we litter or throw empty bottles at kids or drive drunk), we had a great time eating fried chicken, drinking champagne and frolicking in the surf.

After I realized how burnt up I was I really didn’t want to be out in the sun anymore, so I went out and bought myself a Wii on Sunday morning and proceeded to vampire it up for the rest of the weekend. Calvin and Duane and my new best friend Jim* came over that afternoon. We played for HOURS.

Monday we took a break from the Wii and went to a barbecue. After that I invited Jim over for some cupcakes (it was his birthday) and more Wii.

Yesterday I bought three more games (Super Mario Galaxy, Tony Hawk’s Proving Ground, and Big Brain Academy), and a second nunchuck thingy. I felt like a rich 12 year old buying all that shit and I was reminded of how my parents used to keep a jar on top of the television set and charge us kids something like five cents a game to play Nintendo. All the money collected went toward new games, but I think their real intention centered around preventing us from spending every waking moment saving the princess.

What else?

We’ve been hanging out with our peeps a lot. Jenn and Pete came over for lasagna on Tuesday, Duane and Jim came over for steaks yesterday (Calvin is out of town) and we’re having Jes (yep, Jes has a blog too, crazy, isn’t it?) and Steve over for kabobs tonight.

* I don’t think I’ve mentioned Jim before now. He plays softball with me and lives right down the street. He’s really, really shy, and we have almost nothing in common (he’s BY FAR the pickiest eater I’ve ever met and doesn’t dance OR drink, y’all), but we get on like peas and carrots. Matt likes him too, not that it matters. I’m allowed to make friends with anyone I want and so is he. We’re cool like that.

And, because why not? Here’s a short little LOQTIWAAWIIYTAA, the kind I like:

Do you currently have a hickey?
No. I don’t think I’ve had a hickey since high school. Hickeys are gross, if you ask me.

According to your ex, you are?
There’s one in particular that always used to say I was way too guarded. I have a little theory about that - I was guarded with him because I never really knew where I stood. He was kind of a tool that way.

Do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING?
No. I don’t tell anyone EVERYTHING. Does that mean I’m too guarded?

When was the last time you had butterflies?
I have never owned a butterfly.

When is the last time you showered?
Ha! You caught me. Yesterday!

If you’re single, why?
I’m not. If I were, we could blame it on my guardedness.

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
Number 1 what?

Have you ever cried and didn’t know why?
I don’t think so.

Who was the last person you laid in a bed with?
Matt.

What was the last dream you had?
I was with my peeps at a pool and we kept seeing wild cats (like, the big ones, tigers and bobcats and leopards) hanging out in the trees around us. We weren’t scared at all because the lifeguard told us big cats are no longer endangered and are in fact on their way to becoming completely domesticated. After a while I went into the locker room because my contacts were bothering me but when I took the one in my right eye out, it turned out to be my pink bikini bottom and I was all, no wonder that didn’t feel good. WEIRD.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Work. Play softball. Go to a pool hall to see Matt’s band play.

Do you like your name?
Sure.

Do you like being in pictures?
Sure.

Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a J, R, or T?
Yes, all three.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm.

What do you currently hear right now?
Birds singing. My asshole neighbor shouting at her asshole dog.

What do you think your best friend’s doing right now?
You mean Jim? I don’t know. Playing a video game, maybe?

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
I have no idea. The person I stole this from answered “dead.” That’s funny to me. I wish I could remember who that was.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Hmm. I can’t choose. I enjoy them both.

Who is your number one person on your friends list?
On myspace? Tom.

How much money do you have on you?
Probably around $25.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?
No.

Do you wish you could get back with an ex?
Ha. No.

What made you happy today?
Tomorrow is Friday. And I only have to work two days next week.

Did you date anyone this past summer?
I went on dates with my husband. Does that count?

What are you doing this weekend?
The weekend starts Friday afternoon, right? I’ll attend a pool party, play Wii, eat bacon, maybe do some real live bowling. That kind of thing.

What’s your ex doing?
Probably still going around calling himself Esquire even though he’s not an attorney.

What are you thinking about right now?
I need to stop neglecting my blog, but I’m distracted lately. We live a very glamorous lifestyle. SNORT.

What’s your middle name?
Gail.

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
Sober.

Where will you be in an hour?
Outside on the back deck, grilling kabobs.

What were you doing at 10 AM?
Working. Writing a newsletter article.

Fuckin’ seeyas.

FAQ!

I’ve been thinking about doing something like this for a while:

FAQ

Q. Why did you call me a taco?! A. Settle down. Taco is just something I call people. It was originally derived from camel-taco, but it doesn’t mean anything now. It’s mostly a term of endearment. Sometimes it’s an insult.

Q. What is cornhole? A. It’s a perfectly wholesome bag toss game from the olden days. There’s even an American Cornhole Organization. We play it all the time.

Q. What is LOQTIWAAWIIYTAA? A. It’s a List of Questions That I Will Answer And Which I Invite You to Also Answer. I hate that other word people use for those things.

Hmm. I’m sure there’s more, but I’m already bored with this. Y’all let me know in the comments what I missed.

He says it isn’t him, but I’m not convinced

I created a myspace on Saturday morning and I already sort of regret it because (due to my own inexperience) I’m already in a position where I want to de-friend someone (I bet you can guess who it is) (I don’t know why I’m being coy). I probably won’t bother to do it (until I get good and drunk), but still. One of the things I knew I would hate about myspace is choosing and ranking friends, but I’ve decided that I’m going to get around that second part by never ranking any of my friends. I’ll just going to let them accumulate and that’ll be that.

Sigh. I just know this isn’t going to end well. Next up: Facebook.

Did y’all have a good weekend? I did, despite the fact that I found myself in a blind rage for most of Friday, because it dared to rain (thunderstorm, really) on the day of my party. At the last possible moment it cleared up and I calmed down. Me and my softball peeps were able to grill out and play cornhole and sit on the back deck and drink beer all evening. That’s all I really look for in a party. I was pleased.

Saturday (after I opened up the can of unholy bullshit that is myspace) we went to the pool with Jenn and Pete, and then to On the Border for tacos and margaritas. After that we went to a luau-themed lesbian bachelorette-type celebration where we guzzled champagne and made wedding dresses out of toilet paper and had a dance party.

Yesterday I got an awesome new (to me) couch from a stranger on Craigslist. Then I took a picture of the couch I bought at Big Lots back in December and put it on Craigslist, because it’s too puffy and I hate it. Then I went over to Jenn’s for a little spa time (drinking wine, mani/pedis, etc.).

What else?

Robyn linked to this photobomber compilation and I was laughing my fucking head off until I saw this one, at which point I had to pause, because the photobomber looks JUST like Matt. He says it isn’t him, but I’m not convinced.

Cooked Scabs

Howdy! I’m in the mood to type about softball, the beach, a party, and my cat. Let’s begin.

Softball
I had a double header Friday night and I am to’ the fuck up from it. I tried to field a hard hit grounder but it took a bad hop and I ended up stopping it with my right instep, which is now black, blue, green and yellow. The impact hurt like hell and I totally ate it, so I’m also sporting giant scabs on my ankle (left), knee (right), elbow (right). Pretty!

I’m a firm believer in letting giant scabs air out (because, IMO, they heal faster and hurt less if they crust over), but taking showers makes them ooze and my work likes for me to shower before I come in (um, we don’t actually talk about this, it’s just an assumption on my part), which is how I found myself pointing a hairdryer at various body parts this morning before I could put my pants on. Cooked scabs. Mmm. (Just kidding, I did it on the cool setting and the process was odorless, but I couldn’t resist the urge to gross you the hell out.)

We lost both the games, and I’m ashamed to say it was mostly because we all sucked pretty hard. We didn’t even hang out afterwards – that’s how dejected we were. I shot the shit with a couple peeps in the parking lot for about a minute and then I came home and got ready to wake up early and ride down to the beach.

The Beach
We went camping with Calvin and Duane and Jes and Steve and Jenn and Pete out at the cape and it was pretty nice, even if our air mattress did shit the bed Saturday night. Jenn* took some photos. I took a few as well. We both took pictures of our feet, because we’re dorks. Hmm. What can I tell you about the beach trip that would be different from all the other beach trips? Here’s something: I’ve officially reached new depths of laziness – I’ve always been fond of whiskey, but I had no idea just how fond. Turns out I really don’t mind hitting it out of a flask, warm, if it means I don’t have to get up out of my beach chair to find ice and/or a can of Coke. Who knew?

A Party
We have our final game of the season Friday night and after that we’ll have the official team party, at our house, because I’m an idiot. For real, it’s because I like to have parties, and it was 100% my idea, but I’ve only just realized that this party will include a bunch of people who haven’t ever been over before, which means I’ll be spending every evening this week making my house SPARKLE. I hate making my house sparkle, but I would hate it even more if everyone came over and it didn’t sparkle, so I’m kind of stuck there.

My Cat
Gabriel seems to have reached a plateau. She’s better than she was before, but she’s definitely not back to normal and from what I hear, a complete recovery isn’t too likely. That said, I’m just thankful she’s alive, and while I hate the fact that she’s still so clumsy (because I worry about her taking a header off our bed), she seems happy and I guess that’s enough.

*Yep, my ex-neighbor Jenn has a blog. She’s had it for a while, and I knew this, but we’re only just now starting to interact online because up until recently I’d been keeping Pacer a secret from her (and everyone). I’d been wanting to tell her about it for what seems like ages, but she found it (at my house, on my own computer, due to my own carelessness) before I got around to doing that. Also, this is old news. Neener.

Not walking in circles

I suck.  Really.  I think about popping in here EVERY DAY to say hi to y’all, and then I just don’t get around to it.

But there’s good news: This big work thing that’s been taking up every bit of my free time is wrapped up, as in OVER.  I had to be in a place I’ll call Teeny-Tinyville all week, and I didn’t sleep worth a shit while I was there, but it all went well, and I’m home now, and I’m in a pretty fabulous mood, actually.

The best part is Gabriel seems to be getting better.  She’s still quite wobbly, but she’s not walking in circles anymore, and Matt said she jumped up on the bed a few times while I was gone.  She feels heavier, and  this makes me happy because last week she was so fucked up she could barely chew her food (she ate, a lot, actually, it just took forever and was pitiful to watch).

We’re (cautiously) optimistic.  Thanks for the vibes!

Something toxic like a skink

Look! A rare lunchtime post:

So. Turns out something is very wrong with Gabriel. She seemed fine for a few days after we got her back, but then on Monday I saw Rocky rub up against her and she fell over. That’s not normal at all, so I inspected her and it seemed like she might be favoring one of her hind legs a little. I started watching her very closely.

Tuesday she still seemed a little unsteady, but I couldn’t determine which leg was bothering her, or if it was both, and I poked and prodded at her to see if I could elicit a pain response but I never got anything like that, and she was otherwise acting normally (eating, drinking, using her litter), so I just continued to watch her.

Yesterday she started falling over more frequently so I took her to the vet and waited all day while they ran a battery of tests. The vet says there’s nothing wrong with her legs or hips, but she’s displaying symptoms of a neurological problem, which could be presenting itself because of her age (she’s almost 13) or more likely because she got into something toxic when she was out exploring the neighborhood. Something toxic like a skink. I had no idea that skinks are toxic to cats, but I guess you learn something new every day. I never minded them much before, but I have a powerful hatred for all little lizardish creatures now.

She got a steroid shot and we’re supposed to continue to watch her. She might get better. She might get worse. It could take a few days or a few weeks or a few months. We might not see a change at all.

She totters around the house like she just finished off a giant bottle of tequila, by herself, and it’s a little funny, but moreso sad, especially when she tries to jump up on something and fails. Thankfully she’s mostly stopped trying to do that.

I know I probably used up a lot of good internet vibes when she was missing, but if you have any left…

Anywayz. This sucks. Mightily. But life goes on, or it tries anyway.

I have a softball game tonight and after that we’ll come home and check on Gabe. After that, we’re going to walk down the street and eat Mexican food and get very, very drunk.

Bulgogi

Janet tagged me with this a while back and I’m in the mood, so why not?

The Rules:

When tagged, place the name of the person and URL on your blog

Post the rules on your blog

Write seven things about yourself

Tag seven of your favorite bloggers

1. Sally has three Coach collars and a Coach leash. And a Vera Bradley collar/leash set. Also, about ten other collars, and two other leashes. I buy these things on sale, but still.  That’s excessive.

2. Sometimes, when I’m in public, I realize how very short I am and it kind of amazes me. I don’t like going to the post office because I can barely reach the counter.

3. It’s been about three months and my obsession with blue nail polish hasn’t let up AT ALL.

4. I would like it if y’all would do me a little favor and go take this poll I made, to help me figure out something that’s been on my mind for a while. It’s about comments.

5. I made a gardenia bloom this spring. It smells pretty.

6. I want an iPhone.

7. Turns out I really like bulgogi:

Bulgogi (the brown stuff) is a yummy  Korean dish Calvin made for us last week. I’m not sure if this is the right recipe or not, but I think it is (because Calvin LOVES Martha Stewart and he said the recipe was one of hers - he substituted beef for the pork). That other dish is some pork/cabbage thing. That’s what Duane called it anyway.

And now, I shall break the rules and tag…

Anyone with curly hair.

We didn’t meet anyone in the parking lot

Man. I have so much to tell you guys, but it’s going to take more than one post and I don’t know where to begin so I’m just going to ramble.

How about I start with softball and we’ll go from there.

The game I said was a disaster? I said that because we almost had a freaking brawl! Tension started building early in the game. We were matched against a very competitive team; they played aggressively and took an early lead. During the second inning I made a play at second base and the runner slid under my feet and tried to take me out. It didn’t work. I didn’t even really lose my balance, he was out, and stuff like that doesn’t make me mad (lately) so I had already dismissed the incident, but our shortstop, Brad, took offense and got up in the dude’s face. There were some harsh words, the guy apologized and we moved on.

We continued to get our asses kicked and Brad just… I don’t know what came over him, really. I’ve never seen him so irritable. In the sixth inning, he hit a line drive into center field and went for a double. The ball came in and it wasn’t a close play, but he charged the second baseman anyway. Chests bumped and all the men on both teams spilled out onto to the field to break them up. There was a lot of cursing. A guy on the other team (the guy who tried to take me out) even offered to meet in the parking lot, which is something I haven’t heard since… honestly? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that. I was completely horrified.

So were the umpires, apparently. They called the game and chastised us all for poor sportsmanship. We didn’t meet anyone in the parking lot. Brad has been removed from the team.

This week we got back on track, winning 20 - 12. I had some powerful hits, AND I got to play shortstop. That’s remarkable because the thing about co-ed city league softball is women just aren’t expected to play well and they sure as shit don’t play shortstop. I was nervous, but I didn’t make any mistakes, not even one.

And I actually thought ahead and brought my camera this time. Jenn took photos. This is me:

Um. If this is what the other team sees when I’m walking over to the plate I think I know why I always get played so short. I look like I don’t even know how to hold the bat. Guh? There’s more of that here.